Lack of Communication in a relationship Composition II – 54 7/23/2010 Tiffany Augustin There are two crucial elements in effective communication: relaying a message and receiving a message. It is just as important to communicate the message as it is to ensure the proper message is received. Effective communication is vital to personal and business success. Often, companies provide employee training on how to communicate effectively. This essay focuses on listening and receiving the message the other person is trying to communicate. Because we don’t communicate well with each other the effects can cause a divorce.
Causes that led to divorce can be numerous. But, some of the most common reasons responsible for divorce are substance abuse, domestic violence, financial problems, and sexual and emotional infidelity. But the key to all these problems could be lack of communication. “To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. ” ( Anthony Robbins quotes American advisor to leaders) True communication, what exactly is that? Telling your significant other how many times you went to the bathroom while you were at work?
What you had for lunch? Real communication isn’t explaining your entire day isn’t that interesting. True communication spans far beyond spoken words. It’s verbal and mental, as well as even physical. More than half of the failed relationships out there, including your own, are due to the fact that there was a severe lack of communication between the two of you. In order to have a long and lasting relationship with someone, you must have excellent communication skills. You must be able to convey your emotions and your thoughts, as well as being able to absorb your partner’s emotions and thoughts. http://health. howstuffworks. com/relationships/advice/communication-skills-for-lifelong-relationships. htm) Communication is definitely not a one-way street. The “phone-lines” must run both ways. You could sit your partner down and talk to him/her all day long about how you feel, and about where you think this relationship is going. But if you don’t LISTEN TO THEM, than all of your words are meaningless. Mainly because they know you aren’t willing to listen to them, and you will not hear them out because you are too involved with yourself to allow anyone else to join in on the conversation.
The art of listening is probably even more important than the art of talking. You will learn and grow far more in your relationships if you would sit down and listen to your partner, instead of talking and voicing all of your opinions at once. Don’t get me wrong; it is very important that you do voice your opinions. But you must listen to Their opinions as well, and take them into consideration. If you feel that you are not hearing from your partner, or they aren’t “communicating” with you. Than more than likely they are, but you just aren’t listening correctly. Some people don’t communicate with words, they communicate through actions.
Which, if you pay close enough attention, are far more incisive into what they want to say? But the problem is most of us don’t pay close enough attention. Did you ever try to have a conversation with someone and feel like that person was from another planet? I have. Take, for instance, if you are a girl and you’re talking to a guy. There are certain things that girls get upset about that guys just don’t understand and vice versa. Why is that? What is it about our gender that makes us a certain way? There are many little things that make men and women so completely different.
A big difference, however, is the way men and women communicate. This has become such a problem that there have been numerous books written on the subject. This past summer, I read a book by Deborah Tanner called, “You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. ” She describes communication between men and women as a “continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. ” Tanner explains that women grow up and live in a world of connections through intimacy, while men grow up and live in a hierarchical society full of independence. http://health. howstuffworks. com/relationships/advice/communication-skills-fo r-lifelong-relationships. htm) This can create quite a conflict when a man and a woman become involved in a relationship. For example, let’s say it’s Friday afternoon and you are planning on heading out to Regal to catch a movie with your boyfriend. So you stop by his place and suggest a couple of movies you wanted to see, when he informs you that his best friend from high school is driving into Slippery Rock tonight to hang out with him. You, being the girl, are completely crushed.
You try to act like it doesn’t bother you, but on the inside you are so upset and hurt that he didn’t tell you about this before. You figure he has known for at least a couple of days. So why didn’t he tell you? Then you begin to tell yourself, “I would never do this to him. I tell him almost everything. He must not care about me as much as I care about him. ” Come on, every girl has had this thought at least once in their lifetime. Most girls think this way because of the fact that they grew up in a world of intimacy. Likewise, most guys won’t inform their girlfriends because he needs to feel independent.
Telling her about his plans means the same to a guy as asking for permission. He feels that he is independent and should not have to run his plans by her first. So, the girl is hurt because she feels a lack of intimacy and the guy is upset because he feels a lack of independence if he needs to consult her. It’s a wonder how anybody stays together! But, maybe if we can become more sensitive to where our boyfriend or girlfriend is coming from, we can understand how they view the world and the real reasons behind the things they say and do. I read an article that gave these tips they were very helpful to me now maybe you can use them. You need to learn to be sensitively aware of the uniqueness of your partner,” says Kathlyn Hendricks. The Hendricks’s teach people how to create harmony and intimacy and still “tell the microscopic truth. ” Their top five communication skills are: 1. Listen generously. Reflect back what the person said accurately. Hear the person’s feeling. Tune in to what the other person wants and feel what’s underneath it. Listen with your third ear. 2. Speak unarguably. That means speaking in statements of fact that can’t be argued. For example, you may say to your partner: “I feel bad when you leave for work without saying good-bye. You’re saying that you feed badly (a fact) when your partner does not say good-bye (also a fact), and that cannot be argued. This way of speaking places no blame and allows a conversation to happen without argument. 3. Focus on appreciation. The Hendricks’s recommend a 5-1 ratio of appreciation to complaint. Focus on positive aspects of your partner and your relationship. 4. Turn your complaints into requests. For example, ask your partner: “If I make dinner, will you clean up? ” Yes! Be committed to making clear agreements. 5. Shift from blame to wonder. Ask yourself how you might be contributing to a communication problem.
Kathlyn Hendricks asks people to “hmmm,” which shifts you from your critical mind to your creative mind and, in turn, causes you to shift from being right to having a healthier relationship. Would you rather be right, or happy? I would rather be happy. Four “Simple” Communication Tools Steve Stewart, author of 52 Simple Rules to Improve Your Relationship, says that each partner needs to get what he or she wants from a relationship for it to be successful. To help couples communicate more effectively, Stewart uses four simple but effective tools: 1. Ask for what you want.
Stewart says that most people don’t ask for what they want because they think they can’t get it. But the opposite is typically true. Most people are surprised to learn/to find out that they can get what they want simply by asking. 2. Show your partner what you want to receive. “In other words,” says Stewart, “give your partner what you would like your partner to give you. ” 3. Learn to negotiate. Relationships are give and take. For example — “Honey, I will cook dinner, if you will do the dishes afterward. ” 4. Learn to modify what you want. “Ask yourself if what you want is really something you have to have,” says Stewart. http://health. howstuffworks. com/relationships/advice/communication-skills-for-lifelong-relationships. htm) 5. What if your partner ignored you the whole you time you were talking to them? You would feel like that person is not interested on you, or they just don’t care now when people get in the I don’t care attitude. Makes you just want to give up While Stewart believes that couples can overcome communication style barriers, he says sometimes it may be more work than it’s worth. “If you’re always giving in, or if you cannot ask your partner to give you anything, it may be time to move on.